[damon albarn in blur voice] worklife
i've had a couple of agency jobs since leaving university, but never really felt like i knew what i was doing. i always felt i got super lucky with the jobs i landed, and was in danger of fucking things up at all times. friends tried to tell me it was a classic case of imposter syndrome; to that i would say, you're not my coworker!! you don't know that!!
maybe it was or maybe it wasn't - the point is that the feeling of dread, like i was going to be capital c Caught at any time, didn't diminish as my expertise grew. it got worse. the responsibility given to me got bigger, felt higher in stakes. but i struggled with feeling ownership over the things i worked on. i absolutely tried my best - often to my own detriment, if my bad sleeping pattern and eye twitch are anything to go by - but i have spent years feeling a deep separation of Real Aphie and Work Aphie.
the biggest challenge of my early career has been: how can i be wholly me at work? the feeling of performing constantly can be exhausting, more so than the work itself. and i think i've started to see glimmers of a marriage between my two selves in the last year.
this aphie-integration seems to happen when:
- i really care about the project i'm working on
- i'm not scared of criticism, because i know why i've made the choices i made and i'm prepared to justify them
- i don't second guess myself, or ask for someone to approve every little thing i do; i just get it done
- i stop expending all my energy on managing how i think others perceive me, and instead focus on the end goal
which all might sound very meh and obvious now i've written it all out, but the feeling of being myself and feeling confident / empowered in my work is such an invigorating (and new!) one to me.
a notable example of this is the metaphors project i've been working on for most of this year with we and AI. i applied to be a researcher / project manager for the charity back in january because i've been a huge proponent of their work pretty much since it was founded (especially their better images of AI library) and, well, a freelance gig on the side sounded like fun. i hadn't done it before.
i was surprised to get the role, knowing there had been some 100+ (very impressive!) applicants. to me, it was an affirmation that i do deserve to be in this space (of AI ethics, critical literacy, tech and social impact in general...), and it was affirmation i really needed at the time. though there was only funding for 2 months of work, i'm still managing the project now - i'm committed to seeing it come to fruition, and i've come to really enjoy working with the team. the idea of stopping so early on sucked!!
i never set out to project manage, but it has given me an immense confidence boost to know that i can identify what needs to be done, and do it. and i've come to care a lot about AI metaphors and their implications! another post for another time. anyway, the point of this long and meandering post is to serve as a reminder to myself for posterity that i am, in fact, a capable human being, and my work has value (to myself and others!). pretty cool realisation. what will i do next?